Fertilizing the Trenches

It's been about 6 months since I fed this blog.
I've been feeding the baby instead.
It's time, though, that I begin nurturing my creative garden again.
I've begun to feel withered and dry.
I started 2014 just right.  I tilled the creative soil with some music practice and a brief free-write.
Tonight I'm putting some fertilizer down with another free-write here.

Trenches

I'm in them day to day. 

The epic battle of the dishes.

The laundry skirmish.

The high-chair disagreement

Sleeping in one is never a comfort,

but from time to time a "personal time" conflict

will leave one or the other partner sleeping in the trench zone.

Conversations can lead to them.

Misplaced thoughts can create them.

It's all too easy to trip into one when speaking before thinking.

Trenches

Weren't they also bowls made of bread back in the day?

Maybe that was trenchers.

hmmmmm

M is for Marriage

As I mentioned in my post about kids, my Mother told me that marriage is the second hardest thing I will ever do.  She should know....she was married 3 times before she chose to remain alone.  My father was also married 3 times (almost a 4th).  It was from my Grandparents that I learned a desire to be married...and to stay that way.  I guess I'm a bit old fashioned.

It is the second hardest thing I've ever done.  The complications are endless.  Love, real love, is nothing like Disney once you get past the first year or so of marriage.  That romantic love just doesn't stay present all the time.  It runs in cycles.  Sometimes one looks at one's partner and is smitten to the core.  Other times it's like looking at a stranger one doesn't particularly even like.  Sometimes it's more like a quiet, low burning fire; warm, comfortable.  Sometimes it's nothing more than deep friendship, or even strained friendship.

You know that traditional vow, "...in good times and bad...."?  It rolls off the tongue so very easily at the wedding.  Living through it is entirely different.  I mean, bad can be really bad. The kind of bad that makes you want to head for the nearest set of caves and become a nun.  Sometimes it stays that way for weeks, or months.  It is that sort of strain (often caused by money or illness) that often leads, these days, to divorce.  I just don't think we are made of the same strong stuff that previous generations were.  There seems to have been a gumption, and an understanding of the value of having someone with whom to grow old, no matter the difficulties.

The thing is, a marriage that comes out the other side of a long, dark tunnel is strengthened, tempered. It will stand up more effectively to future problems.  Once a couple has been through the 'hard' times once, a return journey can be easier.  Traveling choppy waters is a skill.  We learn how to do it without capsizing and, if we are tenacious, eventually with grace.

Marriage can be transforming, much like raising children.  It requires a level of selflessness and sacrifice that I believe most people haven't learned before they step onto the matrimonial road.  It is something for which one can't really be prepared, but for which one must be willing to put in the effort once in the situation.
I suggest marriage for only the strongest, most determined souls.

I'm glad I was married for the 10 years I had with my ex.  What I learned was invaluable.  I have a feeling I will be starting on that road again sooner or later, and I hope I will have made a better judgement in choosing a partner this time.  I will take with me some hard-earned good habits and some terrible habits that will have to be corrected.  Regardless, I am not so easily turned away from something I want; to be a competent partner, to experience those deep levels of love that people can only attain after decades of being together.

I want to grow old with someone, and I want that someone to be a willing and participating part in a marriage.

You hear that Universe?  I'm coming back for more.

L is for Life Update

The blogging is taking up all of my daily writing time (when I even get daily writing time), but I'm continuing with it anyway because it's helping me get through a slump with my short story.

 I'm working through pains in my lower back and hips with yoga.  Where'd the pain come from?  I don't know.  Starting work again?  Picking up and carrying around the baby?  Further healing from childbirth?  All possibilities.

I'm more sleep deprived than I have been in a while which is totally making me a grumpy-puss. On the other hand, I've been attempting to fight the accompanying depression with PRODUCTIVITY!  I'm sure it's helping.  No point in furthering a sleepy slump by not doing anything.

When I was pregnant I got myself back into a sugar addiction.  Oy....traded smoking for eating sugar.  Lame!  I'm not doing so well with correcting the issue, but I know my awareness of it is the first step.

Meditation is happening only when doing Yoga, but I'll take what I can get.

Thing are looking up on the house and car front.  Haven't mentioned that we've been without a car for a couple of months now.  It should be fixed 'soon' (whatever that means), but at least there is a solution in sight.  We will be getting a window unit, also 'soon'.  Hoping that it will make all the difference this summer.

I've a happy relationship, 3 happy children, a place to live, and general improvements in just about every area of my life.

Conclusion:  Life is good!

K is for Kids

When I was young I just assumed I would have children.  I used to have dreams about having 2, a boy and a girl.  I was never the sort that really looked forward to it, nor did I NOT look forward to it.  It was just something that I knew would happen one day.  It never occurred to me to plan a pregnancy.  Never in my life have I been so stable, financially speaking, that 'planning' for a child was an option.  I had a tacit agreement with myself that when it happened, it happened.

That's not to say that I didn't use forms of birth control.  I did.  Both of my children were happy (though terrifying) surprises for me.  I don't like it when I'm looked down on for this approach, but to me, child-bearing, like most of my life, is part of a larger plan of which I know only pieces.  Knowing how miraculous it is that an egg is even fertilized by a sperm, and then that a pregnancy reaches full term and that both Mother and Child survive, I count myself as exceedingly blessed  by  my boys.

Granted, kids are a mixed blessing.  My Mom always told me that marriage and parenting are the hardest tasks in which one can ever engage.  I've heard the same from lots of other people.  Trust when I say that hearing it and knowing it's true intellectually does not prepare you for the experience.  Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done.  Marriage is a close second.

Raising a child, for me, is like filling my heart to its fullest capacity, letting it spill over and then ripping it apart and emptying it in turns.  Being a Mommy has transformed me into a better me.  There is a constant challenge to love more, to be more selfless, to work harder.  Do I ever feel overwhelmed by sleep deprivation, demands, loss of self, and the sheer volume level?
Absolutely.
Do I think it's worth it?
Absolutely.

J is for Jacked Up

Jacked up - a term used to express things not being as they should be.  i.e. - "I jacked up my knee playing tennis yesterday." Or "Everything is all jacked up as a result of that awful nightmare."  Clearly this is not an official term, but it's the perfect expression of how I'm feeling right this very moment.

The Jacked Up state of being can come on very quickly and for seemingly  no reason.  It's often only after hours of letting the 'why' of the jacked-up-edness float about in my subconscious that I start to get a glimmer of an answer.  See, for me, this mysterious sense of things just being off somehow is how the Jacked Up works in my life, as opposed to the tennis injury.  I don't play tennis.

It starts as a mild and distant rumble.  I'm overly tired, a little bit snippy for example.  Then it's a sense that I'm forgetting something I'm supposed to do, or I've forgotten something that has gone wrong and I'll remember any moment.  From this point its a fairly rapid spiral until I'm feeling tears or rage build, and there's a knowing that I must have done something wrong, or missed something very important.

Generally I discover that something which seemed small at the time has snuck up on me, emotionally speaking, has poked at a wound I thought healed or some such.  Some days I figure it out.  Some days I have to let it go.  Sleep almost always helps.  Today I'm victorious.  I've discovered the source of my Jacked Up experience before bed time.

I was able to meditate on it a little.  I didn't find an answer or solution, but it's only a matter of time once I know what my trouble is.

Jacked Up.  Some of you may have heard this before.  Perhaps your usage is different.  At any rate, feel free to use my definition in conversation.  Said with the right amount of vehemence I find it to be a very satisfying and convincing way of expressing how messed up things can feel sometimes without having to resort to my dirty pirate language.

I is for Idol

I'm thinking about this for a couple of reasons.  The first being I'm reading a book called Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore.  Several of the Jewish rules are challenged in the process of Joshua's (you know him as Jesus) adolescence.  Among them consuming bacon and laying eyes upon a graven image.  The second reason is the aforementioned statue given to a friend for his birthday.  Don't misunderstand me.  I'm not suggesting that said friend worships the statue. He has an affinity for Athena.  It's a lovely statue.   It just got me thinking.

Over the years I've heard lots of talk about this idea, and it has raised lots of questions for me.  The various Christian churches don't seem to agree on how far down the rabbit hole concerning idols goes.  Some of the Protestant faiths believe that the Catholics are idolaters because of their reverence for Mary the Mother.  Some believe that the image of Christ on the cross is a graven image, some do not.  Some believe that pictures of Jesus are graven images, as is the image of God the Father in art.  What about Billy Idol?? (haha)

Google defines "graven image" as "A carved idol or representation of a god used as an object of worship."
The word "idol", itself, has at least two definitions:
1.  An image or representation of a god used as an object of worship
2.  A person or thing that is greatly admired, loved or revered.

The most famous bible reference concerning idolatry (in my opinion) is Exodus 20:3-6:

You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.

Wow.  That one's a doozie.  Did I read that right?  NO carved or ANY likeness of ANYTHING that is....well....anywhere? Does that apply only if you are worshiping it, or literally, not at all?  If the idea is not at all, then we all, Christian or otherwise, are idolaters.  Do you know anyone who doesn't have a figurine, statue, painting or drawing of SOMETHING in heaven, on earth, or in the water?  What about photographs?  If it applies only to the concept of worshiping said images, then would it include the image of Jesus on the cross?  Would it include images of Jesus that people use to pray?  

I suppose the next thing that must be considered is, "what is worship"?  Is having a picture of Mary the Mother on your wall equal to worship?  What about a picture of Jesus in your prayer space?  What about the cross (Jesus on it or not) hanging at the front of your church?  Another question, do people actually worship any of those things, ever?  Or are those things just focal points....reminders to help the mind focus on something being worshiped beyond one's vision?  

Which brings up another idea.  IS it idolatry to worship Jesus?  Is it okay because the Christian church generally considers that Jesus IS God.  So, when one worships Jesus, one is actually worshiping God?

Do the Catholics actually worship Mary or are they just honoring her, and asking her for help?  What about praying to the Saints, or the Holy Spirit?

Further, the source verses of the Ten Commandments (of which this rule is a part) are in the Old Testament. I've noticed that the Christian church has been somewhat 'flexible' in which parts of the old testament to honor and which ones not to.  I could make a list of all that is ignored in the OT, but I have neither the time or the space to do so.

I didn't write this post to propose any answers.  Just to get my questions out.  Perhaps in another post, someday, I will share my opinion on this topic.  Not  to mention "....no other gods BEFORE* me....". *Capitalization is my own doing.  What a thing it would be if that was highlighted in the bible....

H is for Hmmmmmm

So, I'm sitting around in our living room tonight with 3 of my best friends (this is something we do every Wednesday night), and I say to them, "I can't decide what to write for my 'H' post. Ideas?"

M says, "What's an 'H' post?"
I explain....the next 5 minutes are lost in my explanation to her about lettered blog posts.  And the Hilarity abounds, culminating in her vote for "Harpies".

J says, "Hermes!", with much exuberance.

S  matter of factly states, "Heresy."

The teenager down the hall weighs in with "Hope"....but I thought he said something else, as did M, something without a 'p'.  The next 5 minutes were lost in the Hilarity of discovering what he actually said.

Throughout J has continued to throw out suggestions.  I try explaining that he only gets one vote, which brings on a debate as to why he only gets one vote, and actually encourages the rest to put in extra votes.

M asks, "Wait.  Did J vote for HerMes or HerPes?".
Or was it J who thought maybe M's vote had been "HErpes rather than HArpies".  Who knows...I was losing track.

S pipes up,"I was just joking when I said 'Heresy', I think 'Honor' is a much better choice, something sorely lacking in our society."
And we're off into a new topic.

This was after the discussions about moon phases and why the  Axolotl salamander would be an excellent companion for M, but before the presentation of a much coveted Athena statue to J for his birthday.

Hermes, Harpies, or maybe Herpes, Heresy, Hope, Honor, and definitely Hilarity.

That's Wednesday for ya.