When I was young I just assumed I would have children. I used to have dreams about having 2, a boy and a girl. I was never the sort that really looked forward to it, nor did I NOT look forward to it. It was just something that I knew would happen one day. It never occurred to me to plan a pregnancy. Never in my life have I been so stable, financially speaking, that 'planning' for a child was an option. I had a tacit agreement with myself that when it happened, it happened.
That's not to say that I didn't use forms of birth control. I did. Both of my children were happy (though terrifying) surprises for me. I don't like it when I'm looked down on for this approach, but to me, child-bearing, like most of my life, is part of a larger plan of which I know only pieces. Knowing how miraculous it is that an egg is even fertilized by a sperm, and then that a pregnancy reaches full term and that both Mother and Child survive, I count myself as exceedingly blessed by my boys.
Granted, kids are a mixed blessing. My Mom always told me that marriage and parenting are the hardest tasks in which one can ever engage. I've heard the same from lots of other people. Trust when I say that hearing it and knowing it's true intellectually does not prepare you for the experience. Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done. Marriage is a close second.
Raising a child, for me, is like filling my heart to its fullest capacity, letting it spill over and then ripping it apart and emptying it in turns. Being a Mommy has transformed me into a better me. There is a constant challenge to love more, to be more selfless, to work harder. Do I ever feel overwhelmed by sleep deprivation, demands, loss of self, and the sheer volume level?
Absolutely.
Do I think it's worth it?
Absolutely.
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