E for Effort

Hi.  My name is Stephanie and I'm a perfectionist.

I want to be the best at what I do all the time no matter what it is that I'm doing.  I know folks for whom perfectionism is a motivator.  It helps them to strive to always be better.  I am not one of those people.  My brand of perfectionism will drive me into the ground if I let it.  I convince myself I'm inferior and incapable when I don't reach my perfect standards.

At the same time, I understand, intellectually, that giving something the good ole 'college try' is adequate most of the time.  When I was in school, before false self esteem was a politically correct technique, everyone who participated in Field Day received a participation ribbon, regardless of placing in an event.  The point was, 'hey, at least you tried'.  Then, it meant something.  Sort of...it wasn't as cool as a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place ribbon of course, but you could go home and prove to your Mom and Dad that you tried.  Receiving that ribbon taught a lesson.  Have fun.  Lose with grace.  Keep trying, etc....

As an adult I've actually experienced that a task accomplished, even if not perfected, still brings rewards.  The house may not be perfectly clean, but every little bit that gets done makes it better.  All the clothes don't have to get washed as long as you have clean clothes.  If you miss a note in a performance, but you do it with confidence, chances are good that your audience won't even realize the note was missed.  Those are the easy areas to let perfection go, though.

Harder, for me, are the mistakes made in relationships.  Personal interaction, and the communication that goes along with it, is a skill like music, writing, acting, cooking or any other task requiring practice.  This is the area where it's probably most worthwhile to be self-forgiving as it's harder to attain mastery.  I feel there's so much more to lose though.  The stakes are higher, and the pain is deeper when it goes wrong.  I wonder if there is anyone who hasn't said to him/herself, 'That's it!  I'm going to live in a cave in the wilderness.  NO MORE PEOPLE FOR ME! Friendship is overrated and love is even worse!'  I never follow through.  I've an unquenchable  hope that whispers about getting back on the horse. It tells me, 'You get an E for Effort.  Don't give up.  There's something better just around the corner.'

The truth seems to be, that voice is right.  It hasn't failed me yet.  I just get better and better at choosing friends and loves.  I get better and better at letting the unimportant stuff go.  I get better and better at accepting my 'E's, because experience shows me that no one is perfect.  Experience shows me that practice does NOT make perfect, it just makes better.  It shows me that people who I consider realistic, respectable, capable people don't hold themselves, or me, to a standard of actually being perfect.

Even so....I still don't feel satisfied with my honorable mentions.  I suppose that will require practice, just like everything else.  Alas....perfection.