M is for Marriage

As I mentioned in my post about kids, my Mother told me that marriage is the second hardest thing I will ever do.  She should know....she was married 3 times before she chose to remain alone.  My father was also married 3 times (almost a 4th).  It was from my Grandparents that I learned a desire to be married...and to stay that way.  I guess I'm a bit old fashioned.

It is the second hardest thing I've ever done.  The complications are endless.  Love, real love, is nothing like Disney once you get past the first year or so of marriage.  That romantic love just doesn't stay present all the time.  It runs in cycles.  Sometimes one looks at one's partner and is smitten to the core.  Other times it's like looking at a stranger one doesn't particularly even like.  Sometimes it's more like a quiet, low burning fire; warm, comfortable.  Sometimes it's nothing more than deep friendship, or even strained friendship.

You know that traditional vow, "...in good times and bad...."?  It rolls off the tongue so very easily at the wedding.  Living through it is entirely different.  I mean, bad can be really bad. The kind of bad that makes you want to head for the nearest set of caves and become a nun.  Sometimes it stays that way for weeks, or months.  It is that sort of strain (often caused by money or illness) that often leads, these days, to divorce.  I just don't think we are made of the same strong stuff that previous generations were.  There seems to have been a gumption, and an understanding of the value of having someone with whom to grow old, no matter the difficulties.

The thing is, a marriage that comes out the other side of a long, dark tunnel is strengthened, tempered. It will stand up more effectively to future problems.  Once a couple has been through the 'hard' times once, a return journey can be easier.  Traveling choppy waters is a skill.  We learn how to do it without capsizing and, if we are tenacious, eventually with grace.

Marriage can be transforming, much like raising children.  It requires a level of selflessness and sacrifice that I believe most people haven't learned before they step onto the matrimonial road.  It is something for which one can't really be prepared, but for which one must be willing to put in the effort once in the situation.
I suggest marriage for only the strongest, most determined souls.

I'm glad I was married for the 10 years I had with my ex.  What I learned was invaluable.  I have a feeling I will be starting on that road again sooner or later, and I hope I will have made a better judgement in choosing a partner this time.  I will take with me some hard-earned good habits and some terrible habits that will have to be corrected.  Regardless, I am not so easily turned away from something I want; to be a competent partner, to experience those deep levels of love that people can only attain after decades of being together.

I want to grow old with someone, and I want that someone to be a willing and participating part in a marriage.

You hear that Universe?  I'm coming back for more.

L is for Life Update

The blogging is taking up all of my daily writing time (when I even get daily writing time), but I'm continuing with it anyway because it's helping me get through a slump with my short story.

 I'm working through pains in my lower back and hips with yoga.  Where'd the pain come from?  I don't know.  Starting work again?  Picking up and carrying around the baby?  Further healing from childbirth?  All possibilities.

I'm more sleep deprived than I have been in a while which is totally making me a grumpy-puss. On the other hand, I've been attempting to fight the accompanying depression with PRODUCTIVITY!  I'm sure it's helping.  No point in furthering a sleepy slump by not doing anything.

When I was pregnant I got myself back into a sugar addiction.  Oy....traded smoking for eating sugar.  Lame!  I'm not doing so well with correcting the issue, but I know my awareness of it is the first step.

Meditation is happening only when doing Yoga, but I'll take what I can get.

Thing are looking up on the house and car front.  Haven't mentioned that we've been without a car for a couple of months now.  It should be fixed 'soon' (whatever that means), but at least there is a solution in sight.  We will be getting a window unit, also 'soon'.  Hoping that it will make all the difference this summer.

I've a happy relationship, 3 happy children, a place to live, and general improvements in just about every area of my life.

Conclusion:  Life is good!

K is for Kids

When I was young I just assumed I would have children.  I used to have dreams about having 2, a boy and a girl.  I was never the sort that really looked forward to it, nor did I NOT look forward to it.  It was just something that I knew would happen one day.  It never occurred to me to plan a pregnancy.  Never in my life have I been so stable, financially speaking, that 'planning' for a child was an option.  I had a tacit agreement with myself that when it happened, it happened.

That's not to say that I didn't use forms of birth control.  I did.  Both of my children were happy (though terrifying) surprises for me.  I don't like it when I'm looked down on for this approach, but to me, child-bearing, like most of my life, is part of a larger plan of which I know only pieces.  Knowing how miraculous it is that an egg is even fertilized by a sperm, and then that a pregnancy reaches full term and that both Mother and Child survive, I count myself as exceedingly blessed  by  my boys.

Granted, kids are a mixed blessing.  My Mom always told me that marriage and parenting are the hardest tasks in which one can ever engage.  I've heard the same from lots of other people.  Trust when I say that hearing it and knowing it's true intellectually does not prepare you for the experience.  Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done.  Marriage is a close second.

Raising a child, for me, is like filling my heart to its fullest capacity, letting it spill over and then ripping it apart and emptying it in turns.  Being a Mommy has transformed me into a better me.  There is a constant challenge to love more, to be more selfless, to work harder.  Do I ever feel overwhelmed by sleep deprivation, demands, loss of self, and the sheer volume level?
Absolutely.
Do I think it's worth it?
Absolutely.

J is for Jacked Up

Jacked up - a term used to express things not being as they should be.  i.e. - "I jacked up my knee playing tennis yesterday." Or "Everything is all jacked up as a result of that awful nightmare."  Clearly this is not an official term, but it's the perfect expression of how I'm feeling right this very moment.

The Jacked Up state of being can come on very quickly and for seemingly  no reason.  It's often only after hours of letting the 'why' of the jacked-up-edness float about in my subconscious that I start to get a glimmer of an answer.  See, for me, this mysterious sense of things just being off somehow is how the Jacked Up works in my life, as opposed to the tennis injury.  I don't play tennis.

It starts as a mild and distant rumble.  I'm overly tired, a little bit snippy for example.  Then it's a sense that I'm forgetting something I'm supposed to do, or I've forgotten something that has gone wrong and I'll remember any moment.  From this point its a fairly rapid spiral until I'm feeling tears or rage build, and there's a knowing that I must have done something wrong, or missed something very important.

Generally I discover that something which seemed small at the time has snuck up on me, emotionally speaking, has poked at a wound I thought healed or some such.  Some days I figure it out.  Some days I have to let it go.  Sleep almost always helps.  Today I'm victorious.  I've discovered the source of my Jacked Up experience before bed time.

I was able to meditate on it a little.  I didn't find an answer or solution, but it's only a matter of time once I know what my trouble is.

Jacked Up.  Some of you may have heard this before.  Perhaps your usage is different.  At any rate, feel free to use my definition in conversation.  Said with the right amount of vehemence I find it to be a very satisfying and convincing way of expressing how messed up things can feel sometimes without having to resort to my dirty pirate language.

I is for Idol

I'm thinking about this for a couple of reasons.  The first being I'm reading a book called Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore.  Several of the Jewish rules are challenged in the process of Joshua's (you know him as Jesus) adolescence.  Among them consuming bacon and laying eyes upon a graven image.  The second reason is the aforementioned statue given to a friend for his birthday.  Don't misunderstand me.  I'm not suggesting that said friend worships the statue. He has an affinity for Athena.  It's a lovely statue.   It just got me thinking.

Over the years I've heard lots of talk about this idea, and it has raised lots of questions for me.  The various Christian churches don't seem to agree on how far down the rabbit hole concerning idols goes.  Some of the Protestant faiths believe that the Catholics are idolaters because of their reverence for Mary the Mother.  Some believe that the image of Christ on the cross is a graven image, some do not.  Some believe that pictures of Jesus are graven images, as is the image of God the Father in art.  What about Billy Idol?? (haha)

Google defines "graven image" as "A carved idol or representation of a god used as an object of worship."
The word "idol", itself, has at least two definitions:
1.  An image or representation of a god used as an object of worship
2.  A person or thing that is greatly admired, loved or revered.

The most famous bible reference concerning idolatry (in my opinion) is Exodus 20:3-6:

You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.

Wow.  That one's a doozie.  Did I read that right?  NO carved or ANY likeness of ANYTHING that is....well....anywhere? Does that apply only if you are worshiping it, or literally, not at all?  If the idea is not at all, then we all, Christian or otherwise, are idolaters.  Do you know anyone who doesn't have a figurine, statue, painting or drawing of SOMETHING in heaven, on earth, or in the water?  What about photographs?  If it applies only to the concept of worshiping said images, then would it include the image of Jesus on the cross?  Would it include images of Jesus that people use to pray?  

I suppose the next thing that must be considered is, "what is worship"?  Is having a picture of Mary the Mother on your wall equal to worship?  What about a picture of Jesus in your prayer space?  What about the cross (Jesus on it or not) hanging at the front of your church?  Another question, do people actually worship any of those things, ever?  Or are those things just focal points....reminders to help the mind focus on something being worshiped beyond one's vision?  

Which brings up another idea.  IS it idolatry to worship Jesus?  Is it okay because the Christian church generally considers that Jesus IS God.  So, when one worships Jesus, one is actually worshiping God?

Do the Catholics actually worship Mary or are they just honoring her, and asking her for help?  What about praying to the Saints, or the Holy Spirit?

Further, the source verses of the Ten Commandments (of which this rule is a part) are in the Old Testament. I've noticed that the Christian church has been somewhat 'flexible' in which parts of the old testament to honor and which ones not to.  I could make a list of all that is ignored in the OT, but I have neither the time or the space to do so.

I didn't write this post to propose any answers.  Just to get my questions out.  Perhaps in another post, someday, I will share my opinion on this topic.  Not  to mention "....no other gods BEFORE* me....". *Capitalization is my own doing.  What a thing it would be if that was highlighted in the bible....

H is for Hmmmmmm

So, I'm sitting around in our living room tonight with 3 of my best friends (this is something we do every Wednesday night), and I say to them, "I can't decide what to write for my 'H' post. Ideas?"

M says, "What's an 'H' post?"
I explain....the next 5 minutes are lost in my explanation to her about lettered blog posts.  And the Hilarity abounds, culminating in her vote for "Harpies".

J says, "Hermes!", with much exuberance.

S  matter of factly states, "Heresy."

The teenager down the hall weighs in with "Hope"....but I thought he said something else, as did M, something without a 'p'.  The next 5 minutes were lost in the Hilarity of discovering what he actually said.

Throughout J has continued to throw out suggestions.  I try explaining that he only gets one vote, which brings on a debate as to why he only gets one vote, and actually encourages the rest to put in extra votes.

M asks, "Wait.  Did J vote for HerMes or HerPes?".
Or was it J who thought maybe M's vote had been "HErpes rather than HArpies".  Who knows...I was losing track.

S pipes up,"I was just joking when I said 'Heresy', I think 'Honor' is a much better choice, something sorely lacking in our society."
And we're off into a new topic.

This was after the discussions about moon phases and why the  Axolotl salamander would be an excellent companion for M, but before the presentation of a much coveted Athena statue to J for his birthday.

Hermes, Harpies, or maybe Herpes, Heresy, Hope, Honor, and definitely Hilarity.

That's Wednesday for ya.

G is for Great Balls of Fire

I'm not talking about the song, though it is a toe tapper.  And I admit, it's possible that I'm cheating the system just a bit here using 'G' to talk about fire.  But hey, it's my blog and I'll do what I want to.

Fire is ....

The fun in the center of the beach party.  The method of cooking and staying warm outdoors.  The sight, smell, and feel of so many memories when it's cold outside, "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care....".  It holds primal importance in the human subconscious mind instinctively and symbolically.

What I'm really talking about though, is the ethereal flame of Spirit that burns away impurities, inspires, guides and protects.  Like tempering a sword, the human Spirit could be said to be alternately placed in the fires and the waters in the process of perfecting it.  Here are four of my favorite expressions of the Sacred Fire.

From the bible is the story of the Pentecost:

Pentecost (Acts 2:1-13)

1 Now when the day of Pentecost had come, they were all together in one place. 2 Suddenly a sound like a violent wind blowing came from heaven and filled the entire house where they were sitting. 3 And tongues spreading out like a fire appeared to them and came to rest on each one of them. 4 All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit, and they began to speak in other languages as the Spirit enabled them.

I love the idea of the Holy Spirit as flame.  I've often experienced heat when praying, meditating, or in other Spiritual workings.  One of the most effective meditations I use involves building a flame in the heart through breath.  

From the realm of music, a song by one of my favorite bands, Live, "Meltdown":

From the realm of movies, a scene with  my Magickal hero: 

Each example expresses an aspect of this Divine Fire of which I speak.  It's transforming, protective uplifting, frightening, destructive, restorative, insightful ,life altering.

One more thought which is born from Gandalf falling into darkness.  Every Spiritual Path requires sacrifice.  Every goal accomplished requires sacrifice.  We get nothing worth anything without an equal exchange; we get out what we put in.  

Goodness gracious, Great Balls of Fire!

Think about it.

F is for Frustration

Blargh! Aaaaaarrrggghhh! soajoa;bnrojwa;mniojbwonbr;!
Exactly that.
Frustration with Google+.  I'm learning the territory of my own personal bloggosphere far more quickly than anticipated, but Google + is still a big ole mystery to me.

See, I want things to be easily accessible.  Not the way it's probably easily accessible to everyone else.  I want it in a way that makes sense to MY brain.  I want to look at the page and see a button for 'follow' or whatever it is I'm trying to do.  Let me not kid you though.  This issue with frustration spans across all areas of my life.  I once had a friend of mine, fluent in palmistry, point out that all the tiny little lines on my thumb mean a life-long courtship with constant frustration.  That was frustrating news...

Technology is the worst.  Me and technology really don't get along.  And origami.  Yep, I'd say that technology and origami hold about the same amount.  Both seem simple on the surface.  Clear directions for use/process are usually given.  I'm excellent at following instructions.  I'm a great reader.  So WHAT'S THE PROBLEM??  There must be some sort of very technically termed disconnect in my brain.  I'm sure of it.

I suppose the frustration is just an extension of my sometimes high strung leanings.  Constant sounds, too bright lights, technology and origami...these things bring out a nervous streak.  errr...not JUST those things...

I'm thinking that overcoming the frustrated part of myself is a necessity for my peace of mind.  It will be good for my mental health, good for my heart, and good for all of those who love me.  For now, I'm not adept enough at meditation to confront the Frustration monster.  It's just too frustrating.

E for Effort

Hi.  My name is Stephanie and I'm a perfectionist.

I want to be the best at what I do all the time no matter what it is that I'm doing.  I know folks for whom perfectionism is a motivator.  It helps them to strive to always be better.  I am not one of those people.  My brand of perfectionism will drive me into the ground if I let it.  I convince myself I'm inferior and incapable when I don't reach my perfect standards.

At the same time, I understand, intellectually, that giving something the good ole 'college try' is adequate most of the time.  When I was in school, before false self esteem was a politically correct technique, everyone who participated in Field Day received a participation ribbon, regardless of placing in an event.  The point was, 'hey, at least you tried'.  Then, it meant something.  Sort of...it wasn't as cool as a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place ribbon of course, but you could go home and prove to your Mom and Dad that you tried.  Receiving that ribbon taught a lesson.  Have fun.  Lose with grace.  Keep trying, etc....

As an adult I've actually experienced that a task accomplished, even if not perfected, still brings rewards.  The house may not be perfectly clean, but every little bit that gets done makes it better.  All the clothes don't have to get washed as long as you have clean clothes.  If you miss a note in a performance, but you do it with confidence, chances are good that your audience won't even realize the note was missed.  Those are the easy areas to let perfection go, though.

Harder, for me, are the mistakes made in relationships.  Personal interaction, and the communication that goes along with it, is a skill like music, writing, acting, cooking or any other task requiring practice.  This is the area where it's probably most worthwhile to be self-forgiving as it's harder to attain mastery.  I feel there's so much more to lose though.  The stakes are higher, and the pain is deeper when it goes wrong.  I wonder if there is anyone who hasn't said to him/herself, 'That's it!  I'm going to live in a cave in the wilderness.  NO MORE PEOPLE FOR ME! Friendship is overrated and love is even worse!'  I never follow through.  I've an unquenchable  hope that whispers about getting back on the horse. It tells me, 'You get an E for Effort.  Don't give up.  There's something better just around the corner.'

The truth seems to be, that voice is right.  It hasn't failed me yet.  I just get better and better at choosing friends and loves.  I get better and better at letting the unimportant stuff go.  I get better and better at accepting my 'E's, because experience shows me that no one is perfect.  Experience shows me that practice does NOT make perfect, it just makes better.  It shows me that people who I consider realistic, respectable, capable people don't hold themselves, or me, to a standard of actually being perfect.

Even so....I still don't feel satisfied with my honorable mentions.  I suppose that will require practice, just like everything else.  Alas....perfection.

D is for Death

Death.

Oh yeah, I'm going there.

 Something about participating in a brand new life (my little Xander, born Christmas Eve) causes me to confront my own mortality.  I've thought more about dying in response to giving birth than I ever did when a loved one died.  Somehow, I'm able to focus only on my grief when I lose someone I love.  It doesn't really impact me with images of the end of my life in the mirror.  But giving birth, spending time with my kids...I find that thoughts of my own approaching death are ever more present.  

Not that I'm terribly morbid.  I'm not currently dying from a deathly illness.  I'm not paranoid that death is around the corner waiting for me.  Rather, I know that it is the one true inevitability of life.  Also, the older I get, the faster time seems to move.  I'm almost 40.  My mother died when she was 56.  I remember, clearly being 14 (the age of my oldest son), and it doesn't feel like that was 24 years ago.  How much faster will the rest of the years pass?

I'm  not necessarily afraid of death.  It's more like the feeling as the roller coaster climbs that first giant hill.  At that point it's too late to change anything but one's perception.  It's impossible to get off the ride.  The choice is to be afraid, or to be excited.  If the ride has been ridden before, the fear is easier to quell.  If it's a brand new ride, the unknown is imminent.  Standing on the ground and watching the ride from a distance is completely different from experiencing it.  Ya know?  

Continuing with the amusement park metaphor; I feel the same way about leaving the amusement park as I feel about leaving this life.  I don't expect anything terrible will happen when I leave.  By the end of the day, I'm hot, exhausted, and overstimulated.  I really am ready to go home, take a shower, drink a nice cold glass of water and climb into a clean bed for sweet dreams.  BUT, I'm having so much fun that I just don't want it to end.  Similarly I want to stay on planet earth as long as possible.  I want to see how my kids turn out, enjoy grandchildren, and see how THEY turn out.  I want the time to carry my being as far along its evolutionary path as I can.  But, death is the next great adventure, and when it's time to go it's my turn to enter another amusement park.  

The real sadness stays on earth with the people I leave behind.  That is the thing most upsetting to me about my own death.  I don't want to leave here until my children have had what they need of me.  I want them both to be grown, to know that they have been well-loved, the most important experience of one woman's lifetime.  My Mother made sure that I knew all of that before she left.  Perhaps that's one more excellent reason to leave behind a blog.  

Whose woods these are I think I know.   

His house is in the village though;   

He will not see me stopping here   

To watch his woods fill up with snow.   

My little horse must think it queer   

To stop without a farmhouse near   

Between the woods and frozen lake   

The darkest evening of the year.   

He gives his harness bells a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

The only other sound’s the sweep   

Of easy wind and downy flake.   

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

-Robert Frost "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"

C is for Catch-Up Sunday

Hello, Sunday.  Nice to see you again.  I. Love. Sundays.

It used to be because I was going to my local UU church, getting inspired for the week and realigning with my Higher Being.  Since I've no car currently, Sunday means something different.  Well, it means the same, but I must accomplish it differently.  

God is in Everything and lives Everywhere.  That's my thought.  The challenge is to follow through with that thought consistently and translate it into action.  How does this apply to Catch-Up Sunday?  There is always something that could use a little extra attention; the dishes, the laundry, honey do's, music practice, straightening, yard work...a small list.  Looks a lot like I'm planning to work on the day of rest, eh? But, if God is in Everything and lives Everywhere, then any of those activities could bring me closer to the Divine, depending on my attitude.  

Today I'm attempting to Catch-Up on my daily A to Z blogs.  Since I started late I'm behind by several days.  Can I manage to write posts for 'c,d,e,and f' all in one day?  I don't know, but I'm going to give it a try, cuz that's what Catch-Up day is all about.  

A few more thoughts on catching up in reference to life:

I spent my years from age 11-19 almost totally focused on music.  I play the cello, and those years were a slew of concerts, lessons, contests, camps, and tours around the state, country, and Europe.  I didn't 'party' in high school.  I worked hard to keep  my grades up so that I could participate in all the awesome things music brought into my life.  When I wasn't doing school work, I was practicing, rehearsing with a group or performing.  Don't misunderstand, I did have friends and time off.  But there wasn't a lot of wasted time.

Unfortunately, I was totally burned out by second semester of Freshman year at University.  

I went home and started to play catch-up.  Catch up on time wasters, on  frivolity and fun outside of music.  This was all night role playing sessions, spiritual exploration full of drama and mystery and amazement (but really very surface), and the fumbling that goes along with young adulthood.  I had no idea how to function in the 'real' world as I'd been an interesting type of sheltered.  Without being a part of a symphony or a quartet there was suddenly no structure.  

I had my first beloved child at 23 years old, well before any of my other friends.  I was alone in this trek.  I mean, my friends were there, but I was the only  mother in the group. My life changed suddenly and drastically.  All of my dreams and goals had to change.  I was okay with that, after a brief adjustment, but while my friends were 'partying' I was home with my baby boy.  It wasn't until I started homeschooling him, at almost 30 years old, that I had a bit of freedom for myself again.  He was more autonomous, thus I had more freedom.  I started pursuing a long time goal- being a rock star.  Lol.  I laugh now only because I realize that this phase, too, was a sort of catch-up game.   I could feel my youth slipping away, and felt the time in which I could accomplish all my dreams was short.  I was racing and rushing to make something happen.  I didn't really stop to consider if it was what I wanted.  I just felt the need to climb the metaphorical mountain and stake my claim, work toward my own immortality. 

Clearly, I'm not a rock star.

But that's the dream I was pursuing with my ex-husband.  In the process of my 12 year relationship with my ex (10 of which was marriage) I lost a lot of myself.  Some of it knowingly and willingly.  Relationship requires compromise.  Some of it unwittingly in the effort to please or impress my husband.  I guess I was playing catch up in terms of emotional maturity. 

Now that the relationship is over, I find I'm playing a new level of the catch-up game.  I'm catching up with myself.  I'm dragging the river for lost pieces and revisiting the ones that never left.  I'm rediscovering who I've become, and who I want to be.  

So, writing 4 posts on a Sunday seems like a nice piece of my Catch-Up pie.  Writing, in general, is quickly becoming my way of catching-up with my life.  I aim to carry it forward as a large piece of the foundation of my Beginning Again. I'm confident that in the process I will play Catch-Up with new dreams, and God as well.

T.G.I.S(unday)

B is for Beginning Again

Setting up a new Google+ account as a metaphor for the process of setting up a new life.
This is the auspice under which I've been operating today.

It was almost 2 year ago when my life did a belly flop into unknown waters.  Suddenly I'm a single parent of a teenager, no home, no job, and dreams seemingly down the tubes.  Completely unknown territory.
Google+, also completely unknown territory, though not nearly so emotionally volatile.  I've been friends with Facebook for years now, and MySpace before that.  Those were primarily for social contact, whereas I've adopted Google+ to feed my new writing addiction.  The obvious metaphorical difference to the reality:  I chose to leave behind MySpace and add Google+ to my social network thingy.   I did not choose to lose my marriage.  But, let's not dwell on that sad condition and instead move on to the journey.

Beginning again was an arduous process filled with bumped knees and stubbed toes (we won't even approach the heart break).  I had to perform tasks never before tried on my own.  Things like finding a place to live (ultimately provided for me through an amazing gift), getting the bills in my name, organizing a move, filing for home ownership, fixing broken windows, having a porch built, and on and on.  Any of you who own a home know where I'm coming from.  I had been a homeschooling Mom for 7 years with no consistent work outside my home.  35 years old with no work history to speak of in almost a decade.  At the same time, getting a job meant having to transition my oldest (at the time my only) child out of homeschool and into public school.  All while juggling not only my pain, but my son's as well.

With the support of a handful of loyal friends, some kind strangers, and a lot of perseverance I got through that hell much faster than I expected.  And isn't that usually how it goes?  It's how it usually goes in my life anyway.  I tend to have less confidence in myself than I deserve.  Flash forward....

Once I got over the hurdles and through the biggest of the pain, the foundation of my new life came together quickly.  By Christmas of that year I had a job I loved, a new relationship, and the beginnings of new dreams.  By March of the following year, I knew this new relationship was better for me than any of my previous experiences, and two raises at work. By April I knew my life was truly starting over when I discovered I was pregnant.

Wow.  Let the head spinning commence.  I knew I was beginning again.  I didn't know I was BEGINNING AGAIN. I chose to be amazed, awed, and inspired.  I'm still there today.  It reminds me of several cliches:  When one door closes another opens,
The night is darkest just before the dawn,
Never look a gift horse in the mouth,
Let go and let God....
etc....

Cliches are cliches because of how very often they apply to the shared experience of humanity.
Which brings me back to social networking and Google+.  I still don't know how to promote myself, or add friends, and why I can't just add my fb contacts to my Google+.  I haven't yet discovered all the cool things I can do with Blogger, like change fonts and insert pictures.  Also, what exactly IS a blog, and why do people write them?  There are a million questions about this new hobby of mine.  Before all of the loss, before all the changes, before my beginning again, I'm not sure I'd even have bothered with this whole thing.  See, then, I had all my dreams and my whole life plotted out.  Now, the road is wide open.  Anything could happen.
I've moved beyond being afraid and now I'm just excited.

Thanks for the inspiration, Google+.

A is for A Beginning

Right away I'm amusing myself with my own lack of understanding as to what I'm doing here.  'A Beginning' was supposed to be the title of my first post...which it is.  Unbeknownst to me, at the time, I've also made it the name of my very first blog.  I think I'll leave it though, as it seems appropriate for my head space.

I chose 'A Beginning' because I chose to start blogging to participate in the A to Z blogging during the month of April.  I'm not officially signed up, I just need any reason I can find to have some sort of organization with my writing practice.  Writing is my new music.  I've been a musician most of my life.  Like any long term relationship, Music and I have our ups and downs.  Right now we are on a down swing, and I need another lover.  Since I've found that I can feel more productive with Writing when very limited on time (as compared to Music who is an excessively needy companion), she is my choice these days.

Which brings me to this post.  The blogging challenge started on April 1.  I didn't learn of it until today, hence I write for April 1 on April 4.  Typical me...a reverse April Fool's joke played only on myself.  I wonder if this is indicative of the long term arc of my new love affair with writing?

So there it is...A Beginning.  Tick-tock, tick-tock.  The baby (almost 4 month old, Xander) is finally asleep.  All I want to do is stay up for some 'me' time.  The house is quiet.  I can think without disruption.  Alas...tick-tock...the alarm will not wait for me to recover from any later of a night.  Therefore, my beginning is short.  It does feel marvelously and decadently productive, however.

Oh writing, how I love you.