M is for Marriage

As I mentioned in my post about kids, my Mother told me that marriage is the second hardest thing I will ever do.  She should know....she was married 3 times before she chose to remain alone.  My father was also married 3 times (almost a 4th).  It was from my Grandparents that I learned a desire to be married...and to stay that way.  I guess I'm a bit old fashioned.

It is the second hardest thing I've ever done.  The complications are endless.  Love, real love, is nothing like Disney once you get past the first year or so of marriage.  That romantic love just doesn't stay present all the time.  It runs in cycles.  Sometimes one looks at one's partner and is smitten to the core.  Other times it's like looking at a stranger one doesn't particularly even like.  Sometimes it's more like a quiet, low burning fire; warm, comfortable.  Sometimes it's nothing more than deep friendship, or even strained friendship.

You know that traditional vow, "...in good times and bad...."?  It rolls off the tongue so very easily at the wedding.  Living through it is entirely different.  I mean, bad can be really bad. The kind of bad that makes you want to head for the nearest set of caves and become a nun.  Sometimes it stays that way for weeks, or months.  It is that sort of strain (often caused by money or illness) that often leads, these days, to divorce.  I just don't think we are made of the same strong stuff that previous generations were.  There seems to have been a gumption, and an understanding of the value of having someone with whom to grow old, no matter the difficulties.

The thing is, a marriage that comes out the other side of a long, dark tunnel is strengthened, tempered. It will stand up more effectively to future problems.  Once a couple has been through the 'hard' times once, a return journey can be easier.  Traveling choppy waters is a skill.  We learn how to do it without capsizing and, if we are tenacious, eventually with grace.

Marriage can be transforming, much like raising children.  It requires a level of selflessness and sacrifice that I believe most people haven't learned before they step onto the matrimonial road.  It is something for which one can't really be prepared, but for which one must be willing to put in the effort once in the situation.
I suggest marriage for only the strongest, most determined souls.

I'm glad I was married for the 10 years I had with my ex.  What I learned was invaluable.  I have a feeling I will be starting on that road again sooner or later, and I hope I will have made a better judgement in choosing a partner this time.  I will take with me some hard-earned good habits and some terrible habits that will have to be corrected.  Regardless, I am not so easily turned away from something I want; to be a competent partner, to experience those deep levels of love that people can only attain after decades of being together.

I want to grow old with someone, and I want that someone to be a willing and participating part in a marriage.

You hear that Universe?  I'm coming back for more.